Sticks and Stones…

Words Matter.

In a world that lives by the “actions speak louder than words” motto, it’s easy to forget that words have an effect.  As writers, we have to be acutely aware of every word choice, every adjective.  We are also aware at how those words relate to what a character is DOING — do the words match the action? They might, but sometimes when they don’t, it says a lot more about that character’s state of mind.

In a thousand ways, every day, words define where we stand with someone.  I love You.  I’m sorry.  Trust me.  I need you.  I hate you.

But what if someone says “I love you” when they are standing with their fists clenched over you cowering in the corner? Has the meaning of the words changed?  And if someone is laughing when they say “I’m sorry”?  Does the action negate the words altogether?   It’s the combination of body language and verbal communication that gives the truest picture of what is meant.

And what about from the other perspective?  That person listening to “I love you” while huddled on the floor.  Why do they believe the words when the actions speak so differently?  Is it because they want–or need to?  Is it because that person needs to believe those words mean what he/she wants them to mean? That “I Love you” is just that. “I’m sorry” means a heartfelt apology.

Communication can be the biggest obstacle in relationships. Often this is because people don’t stop to take the time to find out how the other person communicates.  Everyone has different triggers, different buttons to push, and words can convey something entirely unintended.

How many times have you entered a conversation with a loved one, be it a significant other, a family member or a friend, and before you know it, the benign, casual talk became a heated exchange where one or both of you ended up pissed off and no one knows exactly why?  It’s because words carry different meanings to different people.  What you think you might be saying may not be at all what they heard.   Think back to elementary school and the game of “Telephone.”  The first child whispers a phrase to the second child, who whispers it to the next one, and down the line they go.  When they get to the end, the phrase is unrecognizable from what originated.  It’s not that they were trying to skew the phrase…they were relating it as they understoond the meaning.  NOT repeating the words they heard, but what those words meant.

This happens in our every day conversations, big and small.  We mis-hear verbal communications, we each have assigned meanings to certain words and when repeating something, whether to ourselves or to another person, we will often reword it with the meaning we believe it to have.  But how often do you do this in your writing?  I’m not talking about the “big misunderstanding” plot line, I’m talking about actual conversations that mimic real life, real arguments.

We can go back to the old phrase, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”  Do you think that’s true?  Words are just letters put together, but the meaning of them can have a devastating effect, depending on who delivers them, how much trust you have given them, how much their opinion of you matters.  And that meaning is completely dependent on how a character is built, their insecurities, their vulnerabilities.

Look at your characters… do you know how he or she chooses words? Do you know what words mean the most to them? What words hurt the most and why? Sometimes, it’s the smallest details that make a character the most real.