So, as we writers well know, our first efforts out of the gate aren’t always perfect. And sometimes, it seems like the horse is actually heading back the other direction. Such is true of query letters. As I finish up my historical, I’m also tackling the query letter and heaven help me, eventually the synopsis (I hate those darn things). And let me tell you, the last revision of my query I pulled out was wordy, wordy, wordy! So… in the vein of sharing the query process, I thought I’d share a few of the query revisions along the way and get your thoughts, if you so chose to share them.
One of the things I picked up along the way about query letters I got from Agent Kristin Nelson’s blog on Query letters. She suggested that a good query letter really focuses on the first 30 or so pages — it sets the story up, it doesn’t summarize it. It emulates the book jacket copy in that way — just a hint to kick off the story and pull you in. And somewhere along the way, that tidbit of information completely left my brain. 😉 If I had all the stages of query letters in this mix, I’d share them. But all I could find were three, so I’ll share those three with you. These versions don’t include the “info” paragraph – genre, word count, etc, this is just the cover copy.
Please, promise not to laugh. 😉
QUERY LETTER Version 135 (aka How many words can I fit on a page?)
Miss Aria Whitney has spent her life with the world as her playground. Traveling with her antiquarian father since she could toddle on two legs, she’s known nothing but freedom. But when he disappears, along with a priceless archeological treasure, Aria must act the part of Title Hunter among London’s high society—a closed, microscopic world she has no desire to join—in order to find the man responsible for his disappearance. Between pursuing some of London’s wealthiest nobles and navigating a minefield of rules she doesn’t have patience for, Aria teeters on the edge of impropriety every day. Until a scandal that changes everything puts her and everyone who matters to her in more danger than she realizes.
Haunted by past mistakes that almost destroyed his eldest sister’s life, Adam Willoughby, the Earl of Merewood, has vowed to focus his life on seeing all four of his sisters safely and happily married. That means no distractions—no wife, no mistress, not even the occasional lover—until his siblings have been delivered to a worthy husband. When he discovers the alluring Miss Whitney ensconced in the private rooms belonging to his sister’s betrothed, he demands to know why, but Miss Whitney offers nothing but an alluring smile and a handful of lies. Determined to stop another disastrous marriage in his family, Adam pursues her for the truth—and finds himself fighting attraction, and danger, at every turn.
QUERY LETTER Version 138 (aka Info Dump)
The impulsive daughter of a treasure hunter and a guilt-ridden Earl square off across the battlefield of Regency London’s marriage mart, where rules of etiquette reign and betrothals aren’t supposed to come with deadly consequences.
MISS ARIA WHITNEY has spent her life traveling the world with her antiquarian father, knowing nothing but freedom since she could toddle on two legs. But when her father disappears along with a priceless archeological treasure, she’s left with only a list of ten of London’s wealthiest men to provide answers. Aria dives into a world she never wanted to be part of—the battleground of London society’s marriage mart. Donning the role of Title Hunter, she dodges a minefield of ridiculous rules and teeters on the edge of impropriety every day in pursuit of someone who can lead her to her father.
Haunted by past mistakes that almost destroyed his eldest sister’s life, ADAM WILLOUGHBY, THE EARL OF MEREWOOD, has vowed to see all four of his sisters happily and safely married. But that means no distractions—no wife, no mistress, not even the occasional dalliance. When he discovers the alluring Miss Whitney sprawled on the bed belonging to his sister’s betrothed, he’s determined to stop another disaster in his family. Using her impetuous actions against her, Adam blackmails Aria into staying away. But that only refocuses her pursuit—on him.
Thrust into a situation neither fully comprehends, Adam and Aria end up tangled in a scandal that forces their betrothal. But when Aria is kidnapped and an attempt is made on Adam’s life, it becomes clear that more is at stake than a ruined reputation.
Essentially the same information, but still — too wordy and not a strong voice in there (in my opinion.) It doesn’t show the heart of Aria at the beginning of the story or Adam, for that matter.
QUERY LETTER VERSION 145 (aka The latest, Subject to Change)
MISS ARIA WHITNEY has learned one thing in the year since she was dumped in London for “How to Be a Lady” lessons (or as Aria has dubbed them, the “Stuff Away Your Wits and Parrot Whatever You’re Told” torture sessions):
She does not belong in London.
However, when her father’s assistant returns home, near death and bearing news of her father’s disappearance, Aria has no choice but to dive into the world she wants no part of—London’s high society. Donning the role of Title Hunter, she dodges a minefield of ridiculous rules and teeters on the edge of impropriety every day in pursuit of the man who can lead her to her father.
Haunted by past mistakes that almost killed his eldest sister, the EARL OF MEREWOOD, ADAM WILLOUGHBY, has vowed to see all four of his sisters safely and happily married. That means no distractions—no wife, no mistress, not even the occasional dalliance—until his siblings have each been delivered to a worthy husband (each of whom has passed a lengthy background check, of course).
When Adam discovers the alluring Miss Whitney sprawled on the bed belonging to his sister’s betrothed, he’s determined to stop another disaster in his family. But Adam’s warnings to stay away from his family only refocus Aria’s pursuit—on him.
So that’s the most recent… and so far, I think the best of the three (but this is also subject to change as I move onto versions 200, 256, and 3, 423…). I looked for ways to simplify words, add more voice (I hope) and I tried to give a better sense of who Aria and Adam were, using actual lines from the book. My concern is whether it provides a strong enough hook.
What do you think? How many revisions does it take you for the query letter?
6 comments
Hi Jeannie! I can see you’re working hard here and giving this lots of thought. I love messing with these AFTER the first draft is done. Hate the struggle to get any version on paper. It always amazes me that we as writers can take essentially the same core idea and come up with such different ways to present it. Good job.
Personally, I like version 138 the best for various reasons. I didn’t think it was as much of an info dump as you thought. What I saw in it is the structure of your plot. It may be missing the internal motivation for Aria and Adam (love her name, by the way), but I think it’s an easier fix to tweak this version. Parring down wordiness might help you see that. One of the reasons I like this version is that it has a hook at the end of each paragraph that propels you to read the next and the next. Your version 145 doesn’t have that and the difference in tone between the two is puzzling – is this a suspense, a light-hearted romp? Rather than focusing on voice, perhaps focus on the tone needed to convey the overall orientation of your story. Getting to the heart of Aria and Adam is simply a matter of examining your verbs and questioning each and every one and switching out ones that leave a void instead of an emotion. Just my two cents. Good luck with this!
Ugh! Query letters! They drive me nuts. Since I’ve been getting some rejections on a story that is very important to me, I had yet another person review my query letter. Now I spent hours and hours and had many eyes look at my letter. I revised and revised and revised…and revised. Yes, I recognize version number 145. And yet, when this last person sent the letter back to me, it was filled with suggestions for changes. I’m close to finished with this re-vamp and I have to say, the letter is even stronger now. So maybe it will garner some attention, eh?
Don’t shoot me, but I think the opening for version 138 has more punch. 🙂 However, I like the body of 145. You’ll probably end up with several different opinions today. Hopefully you can merge them into a concise, cohesive, dynamic letter! Best of luck. I’ll be watching this exercise with interest as it may help my final tweaks.
@Patti — Thank you for your comments! I’m actually not unhappy that you like 138 better. LOL I had liked version 138 when I finished it originally. Then I pulled it out last night and thought it was too wordy.
But you are absolutely right — the story itself is a historical romantic suspense, which is what I’d target it as in the query letter. Not so easy to do that with the lighter tone of Version 145. And the tone of the story isn’t lighthearted so the third version is probably not a good representation of what to expect in the story. The hero/heroine are dealing with some pretty weighty things, so a serious tone is more true, I think.
Queries stink. LOL I’m interested to see everyone else’s comments, too! 🙂
@Laurie — Thank you for the comments and no, I won’t shoot you. LOL Fingers crossed that your revision is the winning one! And you can always post it here, and we’ll offer our thoughts. :))
One of my most difficult editing problems is that I’m wordy — and this shows in query letters, too. I’m always editing DOWN my word count. So I need to find a way to get the tone across, the suspense of the story and still show their voice and the hooks and limit my word count.
For version #2, the info dump for me comes in the last paragraph. The forced betrothal/scandal is the first turning point of the story, but Aria being kidnapped and the attempt on Adam’s life happen later in the story, at a different turning point, so I think I need to find a way to rework this last paragraph from that version:
Thrust into a situation neither fully comprehends, Adam and Aria end up tangled in a scandal that forces their betrothal. But when Aria is kidnapped and an attempt is made on Adam’s life, it becomes clear that more is at stake than a ruined reputation.
So I think, the more I look at it, the first turning point is their betrothal, so that needs to be my hook, the stopping point of the query to hopefully hook the agents to want more. The betrothal sets off an unexpected chain of events that threatens both their lives, so maybe that’s the hook? I’ll play more…and wait for more comments. 🙂
I’m with everyone else in that I like version 138. With a little tweaking you can easily reduce the word count and allow for more of the emotions to emerge. To me the hook is in the emotion, more even than the conflict. If I feel the characters attraction and pain it’s a selling point for me.
Like Laurie, I’m going to watch the comments as I struggle with queries, and wonder does any author like them. But I dislike writing the synopsis even less.
Thanks, Lavada. Seems so far to be a unanimous winner. Now to kill my wordy darlings. LOL
And yes, the synopsis is next. Argh, not looking forward to that! I’m going to stick with the story structure outline though and expand from there. Hoping it will make it easier this time around…I promise to share when I get there. 😉