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Before and After–applying what we learn

by Stacey Joy Netzel 3 February 2010 14 Comments

I have never been much of a teacher, so hopefully this comes across in a way that’s helpful, even if in just some little way. It’s nothing more than a before and after example of a manuscript I wrote back in 2004/05. I edited it in 2009, submitted to The Wild Rose Press, and am happy to say I signed a contract for Trust in the Lawe in January.

I can compare my writing from pre-RWA/writer’s groups to now and see a remarkable difference. I know I still have work to do (always will), but I think I’ve come a long way! Thanks to the many wonderful people I’ve met through my writer communities who have shared their insights and knowledge of the craft of writing with incredible enthusiasm. Through workshops and working with other writers I’ve learned there’s so much more to writing than just putting words on paper.

In 2008 I attended a local workshop presented by Margie Lawson. If she’s in your area and you’re debating going to see her, I would highly recommend seeing her ‘live’ if you can.

Below is a dream scene for my heroine in Trust in the Lawe that I applied some of the things I’ve learned.

BEFORE:

It was dark. And cold. She couldn’t see where she was running and stumbled in the inky blackness. There was something in her way, and she always wondered what it was. But she never stopped to look. She couldn’t.

He was behind her. She could hear his footsteps. Not hurried, but always just a step behind as she ran faster and faster for what seemed like forever until it felt as if her lungs would burst. She tripped; fell with her hands outstretched to break her fall. It was a long way down. She drew in huge gulps of air so when she landed she could run again. Had to get away.

The landing was bone-jarring and soft at the same time. The footsteps were gone. She twisted one way, then the other. Where was he? Had she escaped? Was this the time she’d finally be free of the terror?

Light flooded her senses, making her blink. A faceless figure came into focus on the edge of her vision and she moaned with despair as he loomed over her. The light reflected off his badge, and she reached a hand toward him.

“Help me. Please, he’s after me.”

A bright shaft of light pierced her vision, blinding her, making her close her eyes. Someone was pulling at her clothes, forcing her down. She opened her eyes.

It was him…

AFTER:

Darkness pricked her skin. Cold seeped into her bones. A stumble in the malice-drenched shadows shoved her heart into her throat. Something hard and unyielding barred the way. She fumbled her way past. Had to run. Escape.

Footsteps echoed behind her. Not hurried, never hurried, but always one step behind. She ran faster and faster, lungs burning, until she thought they’d burst. She tripped and instinctively thrust her hands out to break the fall. Blackness stretched forever. She sucked huge gulps of air, so when she landed she could escape.

Survive.

Landing jarred her bones, yet a soft surface cradled her with care. Erie silence weighted the air; suspended time. She twisted one way, then the other. He was always only one step behind…

Had she escaped? This time, would she finally be free of the terror?

Bright radiance vanquished the darkness so suddenly she threw up her arm for protection. A fuzzy, faceless figure of a man sharpened on the edge of her vision. Loomed over her. A moan of despair trembled from her constricted lungs.

Light reflected off a badge of trust.

“Help me,” she begged. “Please. He’ll kill me.” She reached for the officer; desperate…hopeful.

The badge became a knife. Blinding light stabbed her eyes. She squeezed them shut, but rough hands pulled at her clothes. Forced her down. Commanded she open her eyes.

Hopefully, the after version is much more intense and succeeded in:

Show, don’t tell: It was dark. And cold. became Darkness pricked her skin. Cold seeped into her bones. AND She heard his footsteps. became Footsteps echoed behind her.
Eliminate passive voice: He was behind her. became Footsteps echoed behind her. (I’m still a little iffy on this subject, so that may not be the best example.)
Deepen POV: This goes hand in hand with the showing, not telling. The second version of the dream ‘happens’ to the heroine in real time –vs- the first version being more of a description.
End sentences with power words: The fall took forever as she drew in huge gulps of air so when she landed she could run again. Had to get away. became Blackness stretched forever. She sucked huge gulps of air, so when she landed she could escape.

I know it still needs work (found myself editing as I wrote this post *grin*), and it still needs to go through editing with my publisher, but with what I’ve learned in the six years since joining RWA, hopefully it won’t be near as extensive as it would’ve been.

I found out yesterday, it just so happens Margie Lawson’s blogging today—so check it out if you can. Rhythm and Cadence and Beats! Oh, my! Want to tune your Cadence Ear? Drop by Autumn Jordon’s Blog on Wednesday, Feb. 3rd. http://autumnjordonsnotes.blogspot.com/ Enjoy a Margie-style-mini-lecture — and have chance to win a Lecture Packet!

My question: can you pick out other power words in the second version of the dream?

Also, do you have a particular book that’s helped with your writing, or is there any online or live workshops/conferences/teachers that you’d like to recommend in addition to the wonderful authors here at Happy Endings?

Thanks for reading—have a great day!

Stacey Joy Netzel

www.StaceyJoyNetzel.com

14 Comments »

Laurie Ryan said:

Wow. Great example Stacey. Well done! Margie Lawson’s workshops are intense, aren’t they? And mega congrats on the sale of Trust In The Lawe to WRP.

# 3 February 2010 at 7:57 am

Stacey Joy Netzel (author) said:

Thanks, Laurie! Yeah, Margie is intense but SO worth it.

# 3 February 2010 at 8:03 am

Sandy said:

Great examples, Stacey. Much better the second time.

# 3 February 2010 at 8:18 am

Lavada Dee said:

Stacey, First congratulations on the sale of Trust in the Lawe. By the way love the title. You did an excellent job of teaching with the two scenario’s. I not only enjoyed reading them they sunk in and gave me something to retain.

# 3 February 2010 at 8:58 am

Stacey Joy Netzel (author) said:

Hey Sandy and Lavada–thank you! (Lavada-I’m so glad to hear that since I had to change it from Relative Suspects–which I loved.) I’m really glad you got something out of the post.

And after reading Margie’s blog post, I realized this sentence…

Ending sentences with power words

…should read

Backloading sentences with a power word.

Margie’s awesome!

# 3 February 2010 at 9:07 am

Jeannie Ruesch said:

Congrats on the sale!! The second version was much better – a definite difference in your writing. I’ve attended one of Margie’s workshops and it’s incredible. I would love to go to more.

I’ve mentioned on here how much I gain from Donald Maass’s workshops, as well — and I’m reading his book Fire In Fiction right now to really cement the things I learned in his workshop last week.

I had the same thought actually — it’s almost like once you’ve learned a “step” in your writing, you an see that step and all the ones that came before it much more clearly. Of course there are always more steps to learn (that are pretty much invisible until you trip over them lol) but that’s part of what I love about this. I love to learn, and this is a never ending game.

Great scene, by the way. Loved the tension and the feeling of being there. Can’t wait to see it out!

# 3 February 2010 at 10:49 am

Emma Lai said:

Hi, Stacey and Jeannie! The second version is definitely more powerful, Stacey. I have a couple of books that I keep handy for referring to while writing. 100 Ways to Improve Your Writing by Gary Provost and Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Rennie Browne and Dave King.

# 3 February 2010 at 12:29 pm

Kris Kennedy said:

Eeek, I’m too scared to look at ‘before’ manuscripts. It’s amazing to watch our own growth, isn’t it? Like watching our kids grow–it happens so gradually that we barely notice it.
Great blog!

# 3 February 2010 at 3:26 pm

Mary Ricksen said:

Well we all know the second version is better, let’s hope all our writing is the second version!

# 3 February 2010 at 9:55 pm

Jeannie Ruesch said:

Emma, I don’t think I have the first one you mentioned, will have to look that up. Another one I like is “First Five Pages” — written by an agent and gives some terrific insight.

# 3 February 2010 at 10:14 pm

Emily Bryan said:

Very instructive, Stacey! Thanks for taking your bath in public for us. Your examples made the revision points so clear. Scurrying back to look at my own stuff with those corrections in mind.

# 4 February 2010 at 5:06 am

Mary Jo said:

Stacey,

I’m on WisRWA digest thus a day late.

Absolutely loved your second go at the scene.

As to your question? Mostly I’ve found the workshops, like Margie’s or Mary Buckham, Allison Brennan and one I’m taking now for Elements of RWA to be more useful than books. But then I had the book learning in college and beyond. Everyone is different.

And as for your passive voice example: Here’s the grammar teacher in me speaking. The sentence is weak BUT not passive voice. Passive voice has the subject of the sentence not doing the action/verb. He is the subject and behind her. Shows state of existence not passive voice. You made the sentence so much stronger.

True passive voice would be something such as this: She was hit on the head by him. She is the subject on getting the action this time, not doing it. Besides that sentence is clumsy which often passive voice sentences are and thus weak.

However, sometimes passive voice is needed but not often and that’s another lecture. Sorry

# 4 February 2010 at 8:21 am

Mary Hughes said:

Great post, Stacey! I have to say I enjoyed the first version too! Though the second was *wow* it’s the story behind the words that grabbed me. (But “Light reflected off a badge of trust.” is just awesome) – Mary

# 4 February 2010 at 10:14 am

Stacey Joy Netzel (author) said:

Jeannie–I’ve heard such great things about Donald Maas. I have his workbook Writing the Breakout Novel but haven’t given it as much time as I should. Another favorite of mine is Debra Dixon’s GMC: Goal, Motivation & Conflict.

Emma–thanks for the suggestions. I do have The First Five Pages that Jeannie recommended, and like what I’ve read of it.

(confession time: I’m really bad at buying craft books but not reading them much…which is why I prefer live workshops!)

Kris, Mary, Emily, and Mary–thanks for stopping by! I’m glad the examples were helpful.

Mary Jo–thanks so much for clarifing that, I wasn’t completely sure, so your definition helped! Worth the day wait. *grin*

# 4 February 2010 at 8:27 pm