Book Video Workshop (Day #2): Writing the Book Video Script

by Jeannie Ruesch

Welcome back to the Book Video Workshop.  If you missed the first post, you can find it here where we deconstruct the makeup of book videos.  Today’s post focuses in on the one element that should come easy to you: writing the script.

You have the creative flair, the knack to create compelling sentences and yet, it’s usually the one thing I see most wrong in book videos.  A book video is a mix of elements– music, imagery and words–with one united goal. But ultimately it is the words that will keep you from clicking away.  Before we continue, I’d like you to go to youtube.com, search for your favorite genre and book trailer (ie romantic suspense book trailer), and click on a few random links.  Don’t think about it, just click.  And watch.

Note the very second you want to click away from the video.  How far did you get?  What is the last thing you remember?  Do you recall any of the words you’ve seen?  If it’s a video you watched to the end, why?

There are a lot of things that could bore you – the imagery is dull, the music is annoying, it takes too long to get to a point– but there’s one definite reason you would stay despite any of that.

The words compelled you.

If they forced a question in your mind that you couldn’t not get answered or they created a visceral response in your body — your limbs tightened, or your heart squeezed, or you sucked in your breath–you would keep watching.

My guess is that you gave the videos about 3 to 6 seconds to make that happen.

Consider Your Format

The biggest mistake authors make with book videos is in not considering their format. This isn’t a book jacket, viewers aren’t browsing leisurely in a bookstore.  Wherever they happened to find your book video, be it YouTube or your website or somewhere else, they are waiting (impatiently) to be not just entertained, but get involved.

A book cover blurb gives away far more of a story than a book video should.  The script for a book video should be short, to the point and easy to comprehend. Authors are used to their words doing the walking for them and in book videos, it needs to be a mix of words and imagery that gets the point across, as succinctly and emotionally as possible.

Learn From Movie Trailers

Movie commercials are a perfect example of how to take a story and cull it down to a few sentences that will engage the intended audience.   Don’t be intimidated by the imagery they use – instead, watch movie trailers with an awareness to the emotions they are creating in you (and try with the sound off).

The Karate Kid (2010 version)

Video Link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMsZM-MNI1A

(You’ll need to click the link, embedded video is disabled.)

The Movie Blurb:

In Columbia Pictures’ The Karate Kid, 12-year-old Dre Parker (Jaden Smith) could’ve been the most popular kid in Detroit, but his mother’s (Taraji P. Henson) latest career move has landed him in China. Dre immediately falls for his classmate Mei Ying – and the feeling is mutual – but cultural differences make such a friendship impossible. Even worse, Dre’s feelings make an enemy of the class bully, Cheng. In the land of kung fu, Dre knows only a little karate, and Cheng puts “the karate kid” on the floor with ease. With no friends in a strange land, Dre has nowhere to turn but maintenance man Mr. Han (Jackie Chan), who is secretly a master of kung fu. As Han teaches Dre that kung fu is not about punches and parries, but maturity and calm, Dre realizes that facing down the bullies will be the fight of his life.

Trailer script:

A life he never wanted.

A challenge he never imagined.

A teacher he never expected.

This Summer

Honor.

Courage.

Strength.

The Karate Kid.

Watch the video a second time with the sound turned off and pay attention to the emotion, what the images tell you. What do you get from the script?  What do you feel?

This script maintains sentences that are five words or less.  And the words are powerful, evocative.  Life. Challenge. Teacher. Honor. Courage. Strength.

Does it seem impossible to take your book blurb and drill it down to a handful of sentences? It’s not, I assure you.  But you have to shift your intent and focus from summarizing (telling) the story to pulling out the emotion.

Book Videos to Discuss

Here are some book videos that have drilled down their scripts to short and sweet. (In one case, under twenty seconds.)  They provide good examples of how to pull out elements of the story to focus your mini-movie on.

Allison Brennan – THE HUNT

Video Link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShZxzu4o-r8

The book blurb:

Touched by a killer, she feels the fire of revenge.

Twelve years ago, Miranda Moore miraculously survived the torture of a serial killer who was never caught. Since then, Miranda, a former FBI trainee and now a member of a local search-and-rescue squad, has witnessed with horror the recovery of the mutilated bodies of seven young women, all victims of her tormentor, known as The Butcher. When another beautiful Montana college student goes missing, the Feds get involved, and an agent, a man Miranda once trusted with her heart, arrives to take over the investigation–forcing her toward a painful choice.

Now, while Miranda battles her demons, while friends, lovers, and traitors are caught up in a frantic race against time, a killer hides in plain sight–waiting to finish the one hunt he has left undone.

After the hunt, go in for the kill.

The video script:

Twelve years ago

She escaped

Now he’s back

THE HUNT

For the purpose of grabbing attention, the video is almost over before you consider clicking away… it leaves you wanting more.   It also, combined with the visual and audio elements, creates a physical reaction (at least it did in me).   Now imagine reading through the entire blurb above set to images.  Does that have the same impact?  Definitely not.

Jeff Struecker and Alton Gansky – BLAZE OF GLORY

Video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBx5rOEescQ

The Book Blurb:

United States Sgt. Major Eric Moyer and his Special Operations unit have been called in to track down a wealthy Egyptian terrorist who is believed to have sordid ties to a sudden increase in female suicide bombers. Chasing El-Sayyed through Italy, they soon gain interconnected details about a Mexican drug lord who is plotting to kill the U.S. and Mexican presidents. Now Moyer and his team must stop not one, but two madmen on separate continents. And with a new member of the unit hiding his struggle with post-traumatic stress disorder, a third problem begins to boil.

The Video Script:

The fate of the world’s most powerful leaders rests in the hands of six men.

They must risk everything

Fight a war on two continents

Face the world’s most deadly terrorists

And that’s only half their mission.

This video — specifically the script — actually compelled me to add this book to my purchase list (when it comes out).  I’m not one for military thrillers, generally speaking, but I’m intrigued by this.  The video did its job — it got me interested enough to look further. From there, the book blurb and other aspects have to take over.

Crafting Your Script

When you’re crafting your script, it’s important to remember the purpose and job of the book video.  It isn’t to tell the story.  That is what your book cover blurb is for.  It’s to grab the reader’s attention enough to want more.  So a few points to think about while you write your script:

Work from your elevator pitch. Don’t start with the book blurb and work down.  Start with the short ten word sentence that gives the high concept and basic premise of your book and work up from there.

Use short sentences. Longer sentences require time to fully digest and that’s one thing you really don’t have.  You don’t want to force a viewer to wait just to finish a complete sentence, because 9 times out of 10 they won’t. Punchy. Quick.

The first sentence will make or break your video. Your viewer’s interest is likely decided within 3 to 6 seconds, so your first sentence needs to make them sit up and pay attention.

Go For The Throat. Or the heart. Or *ah-hem* other body parts if that’s your intent.   But you want to touch their emotions, you want to create a visceral response.

Leave them wanting more.  Make sure there is an unanswered question when your video is done.  That is what will push them to find out more.

Tell Them Where To Get It. Leave room for the call to action.  Include your website URL or tell them where (and when) they can buy the book. (If it’s not available now, include a date of when it will be.)

Think of your book video as the goodnight kiss after a successful first date.   You aren’t going to take off all your clothes right there on the front porch (I’m assuming…) before puckering up and then sending your date home.  But you are going to pucker up your best kiss and send them off wanting more.  That is what a good book video does.

A quick thank you to those who submitted scripts for consideration – ultimately, I thought the post would prove more useful to show book videos already in circulation.  But I invite everyone to post their efforts in the comments and we can discuss and critique.

Next week, we continue with the workshop and discuss choosing images.  We’ll go into how and what to choose and, of course, where to find them.  See you then!

And be sure to come back this Thursday, when Nina Davies joins us to discuss her AutoCrit service (I use it, it’s fantastic) — and you could win a membership!

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25 comments

Garry M. Graves February 9, 2010 - 11:52 am

Jeannie, have uploaded a preliminary trailer to YouTube. The software I got for free has embedded ‘Evaluation Copy’ (I didn’t know they were going to do that). Also, the timing is way out of sinc, as the pictures should ‘flash’ and not be on the screen all that long. They messed that up (the software). This was a .ppt to .wav project. I used my powerpoint to create. This trailer measures 1:39 sec. It’s too long. And, maybe my verbiage is not correct, maybe too much. Anyway its something to critique if you like. My background is ?? Seemed kinda appropriate at the time I used it. Could probably do better. This book ‘Character Happens! The 5 Most Important–But Fleeting Virtues, is a personal development book. (Nonfiction), so any many instances it does not, nor should have, any flare or drama??? I wanted the reader to ask themselves questions about their personal character…hopefully causing them to think about their character, perhaps reading about how they might improve their character….and so on. You get the drift. I think the video is ‘private’ and not publically available. The information said something about only 25 viewers could see it. Anyway, here’s the link. Thanks for the workshop, I’m digging it!
–gg

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Markus February 1, 2012 - 7:43 pm

Garry,I just watched your updated video, and I think it’s getting there! The music I found to be uplifting and completely appropriate, and unlike Kim B., I didn’t have a problem with the stepping action of the 5 virtues in the last frame. I understood it as climbing toward a better place for humanity. Was that your thinking? I’m certain Jeannie will have better feedback for you, but I think you’re definitely on the right track.I am unfortunately on dial-up (only available where I live), and am unable to upload my video. If I get a chance to wi-fi connect this week, I’ll post the link for everyone’s critique as well.Good job, and keep striving for perfection!Monica

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Jeannie Ruesch February 9, 2010 - 2:47 pm

Hi Garry — Thank you for volunteering to share! Unfortunately, I can’t access the video — it is set to private. Could you post both your book blurb and your video script in the comments? We can review that here, since we’re specifically looking at the script aspect of things right now.

Thanks! And please — anyone else include their scripts (and book blurbs) for review and critique.

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Garry M. Graves February 9, 2010 - 5:10 pm

Frame #1:
Honesty (script)
…how would you rate your honesty?
…how would others rate your honesty?
then there is a picture.

Frame #2:
Integrity
…you hear it talked about a lot
…are they talking about you?
then there is a picture.

Frame #3:
Courage
…scared of people, the economy, death?
…have days you want to stay home?
another picture.

Frame #4:
Compassion
…do people think you really care?
…well do you? should you?
another picture.

Frame #5:
Humility
…ever consider doing what’s best for all?
…consider it—it’s a great legacy!
another picture.

Frame #6:
A frame with ‘fade in’ words indicating the books title with the five virtues stepping up to the right.

Frame #7:
A frame with books front cover, with website and blog addresses.
Also, copy to read: …the book that may change your life.

The last frame is held in place about 5-6 seconds with my name the last fade-in. –garry m graves, author

With the preliminary video it took 1:39 seconds. I would like it to be shorter. Not definite on the verbiage yet, maybe its too much.

Thanks for doing this workshop.
–gg

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Garry M. Graves February 9, 2010 - 5:13 pm

Jeannie, I hane no blurb. I would prefer a blurb coming from some noteworthy person. Am thinking of putting website/blogsite info on the back cover. Instead of a blurb or my own created blurb.
Advise. –gg

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Laurie Ryan February 9, 2010 - 8:18 pm

I am loving this series, Jeannie! Thanks so much for posting it. I haven’t made the leap to doing a book video yet, so I’m taking notes. 🙂

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Jeannie Ruesch February 9, 2010 - 9:59 pm

Hi Garry — can you summarize what the book is about for us? It’s tough to help critique the script without an idea of what the book is about. 🙂

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Garry M. Graves February 10, 2010 - 6:48 am

Here you go! Yes, I know it needs work. Help me!
Thanks, –gg

“…Five simple stories of the ‘5 Most Important Virtues.’ Has your ‘Honesty’ ever come into question? What about ‘Integrity,’ do people recognize this in you? Is your ‘Courage’ quotient what it should be? Will your ‘Compassion’ aid or hinder your life? After you’re dead, will others say ‘Humility’ was your greatest legacy? Character Happens! — reminds us if not defines for us how fleeting our use of these important virtues. From a golf storyline (a noble game, indeed), the author writes an earnest yet humorous, carefree yet compelling prescription to ‘do better’ with your decision-making. Each of the five chapters will aid your understanding better this 21st Century…”

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Monica February 10, 2010 - 10:48 am

I have created this for fun, and to see how far I can take it. The video is actually finished and I’m just tweaking it, cutting, and making more impactful. I’m open to feedback!

Blurb: “Welcome to Wing Landing, Jack, my boy!”

These are the words that greet Jack Winters, an eight-year-old boy who is newly adopted into a world of limousines, ancestral estates, duck blinds, and deep mystery. When he sets eyes on his new cousin, Anwar Montgomery, he knows something is different about this otherworldly girl known amongst the family as the “Moon Child.”

Growing up, Jack finds his life eclipsed by Anwar’s existence and is driven to reveal the mystery surrounding her. Desperate to get closer to her, he is thwarted at every turn and finally discovers he’s gotten more than he’s bargained for.

My script has been updated, and is as follows:

For centuries the Montgomery family has harbored a secret…

a sheltered girl

a determined boy

become inseparable

and make their own rules

“there is no secret to uncover”

Treaty
Enchanted
Legend

When the sun set, the men got out the cards, and Jack began to hear things.

That girl is about to transition.

“She’s gone!”

How can we break the pact?

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Jeannie Ruesch February 10, 2010 - 1:30 pm

Thanks Monica and Garry for being willing to share with us. So I’ll touch on Garry’s first, and I invite other comments and thoughts as well.

Garry, I definitely agree that your video script can be shortened. Especially when you’re working with a non-fiction book, you really need to get to the “what’s in it for me” concept quickly. So let’s figure out what that is.

The book discusses character…why would someone want to read this? HOW will their life change after they’ve read it? That’s the hook. Is your target audience the every day person? For someone to pick up a self-help book, they are usually struggling with something or looking for something. What is your audience struggling with?

You mention decision making at the end of your book summary – is that the goal at the end of the book?

In marketing, the best campaigns are what we call benefits-focused marketing. The features of any product (or book) are great, but they aren’t going to sell it. What sells something is what the benefits to the intended buyer are – the “what will this do for me?” mentality. So what will learning more about these virtues do for your readers? Let’s focus on that.

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Jeannie Ruesch February 10, 2010 - 1:40 pm

Okay Monica, on to yours. 🙂

A few questions for your book as well. I like the beginning of the script (although I still think it can be stronger.) but overall, the script is a little disconnected. So a few questions on your story as well:

You use the word “Legend” — what is the legend?

Jack is adopted into a wealthy family. How? Why him? Is he connected to them in some way or is this a random adoption?

Does Anwar live in the same house that he does? How much time does the story cover? (Your blurb mentions that while growing up, Jack finds his life eclipsed… that indicates a longer span of time. )

Your script contradicts your summary. The summary says he tries to get close and is thwarted, but the script says they become inseparable. Can you explain that?

What level of mystery is this book? A mystery, suspense or thriller or some combination? Is the potential of Jack’s death a factor?

Anwar is going to transition… you’ll probably have to give us some more clues about what that means. Is this a story of Jack learning the truth to save Anwar? What is HIS goal, other than just learning about the secret?

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Garry M. Graves February 10, 2010 - 3:19 pm

Response below:

Garry, I definitely agree that your video script can be shortened.
(I would like it to be one minute).
Especially when you’re working with a non-fiction book, you really need to get to the “what’s in it for me” concept quickly. So let’s figure out what that is.

The book discusses character…why would someone want to read this? HOW will their life change after they’ve read it? That’s the hook.
(…don’t people always question the extent of their character? [maybe its just me], will not people be interested in a book that ‘might’ help them with understanding their character better, and thinking more deeply how they can improve their character by making decisions less in their own interest, making a more vitueous choice?)(obviously, peoples lives will change from the insight gained from reading the book–which tells them to choose (decisions) more virtuously).

Is your target audience the every day person?
(my target audience is those individuals who are…perhaps…guilt ridden (which is most of us), about their character. And how others perceive their character).
For someone to pick up a self-help book, they are usually struggling with something or looking for something. What is your audience struggling with?
(Jeannie…..you may categorize this as a self-help book [that term lessens the value], but I suggest its more a ‘personal development’ genre. (semantics). Nevertheless, there is a large population of people who question their own character, how it measures up, how other people think of them, etc…).

You mention decision making at the end of your book summary – is that the goal at the end of the book?

(that pretty much defines how the person can ‘improve’ their character…, they ‘choose’ a more virtuous choice in decison-making, another choice differnt than the one that benefits them only.)

In marketing, the best campaigns are what we call benefits-focused marketing. The features of any product (or book) are great, but they aren’t going to sell it. What sells something is what the benefits to the intended buyer are – the “what will this do for me?” mentality. So what will learning more about these virtues do for your readers? Let’s focus on that.
(I’m a marketing consultant for 30 years and understand ‘benefits’ …tell me what words will describe better the benefits from buying my book)
(Again Jeannie…..thanks so much for doing this workshop.
–gg)

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Monica February 10, 2010 - 4:25 pm

You use the word “Legend” — what is the legend?
*the Montgomery family made a pact with the Indian Nations centuries ago, and a “Moon Child” is born from their family, who will protect/aid the Nations, and grant their family prosperity in turn.

Jack is adopted into a wealthy family. How? Why him? Is he connected to them in some way or is this a random adoption?

*Random adoption–the family is enormous, and all the branches of extended flock to a country estate called “Wing Landing” every summer and Christmas holiday, which is where Jack meets Anwar.

Does Anwar live in the same house that he does? How much time does the story cover? (Your blurb mentions that while growing up, Jack finds his life eclipsed… that indicates a longer span of time. )

*They live apart most of the year, but…see above. The story begins at the ages of eight and moves into their twenties–post-college.

Your script contradicts your summary. The summary says he tries to get close and is thwarted, but the script says they become inseparable. Can you explain that?

*As children, into their teens they are inseparable, but the family and the secret Anwar is withholding tear them apart. Jack’s life is meaningless w/o her, and he’s an empty, lifeless shell as he continues to track down her whereabouts, which are laced with mystery, and to get closer to her. Thus the thwarting. 🙂

What level of mystery is this book? A mystery, suspense or thriller or some combination? Is the potential of Jack’s death a factor?

*It is a mainstream-meets-paranormal coming-of-age story. Jack’s death isn’t a factor, but Anwar’s is. Her role as a soul-shifter, or guardian of the Nations, eats away her life, and if the pact isn’t broken, she’ll disappear.

Anwar is going to transition… you’ll probably have to give us some more clues about what that means. Is this a story of Jack learning the truth to save Anwar? What is HIS goal, other than just learning about the secret?

*as a child she’s “haunted” by the voices which call to her, but as she grows, she’s called out to perform the duties set by the conditions of the pact, which is when she “transitions.”

Jack must learn the truth to save her. His goal is to uncover the secret and break the pact in order to save Anwar from a life (and end) she fears while preserving the family. (also, there’s the burning love factor)

*Thanks for your time, Jeannie! Your questions made me think about ways to propel a video viewer through the story w/o overwhelming them, but I’m a little stumped about what to cut. Can’t wait to hear your take!

Monica

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Garry M. Graves February 10, 2010 - 4:43 pm

…I’ve made public the ‘Demo Book Trailer’ with YouTube. Take a look. It has several problems. Consider it the first draft.
Thanks, –gg

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Kim B February 12, 2010 - 11:33 am

Hi Jeannie, thank you so much for doing this! It’s great.

And Everyone,

Just catching up on this I’ve been in a revision workshop and I’m in the middle of web design for my author brand and thought this would be a bit of an excellent way to gain a different perspective – and I was right. I think it’s going to really help.

I’ve been knee deep in how to convey a lot with a little both in revisions (cut, cut, cut) and the web site through short blurbs and imagery so there does seem to be a good cross over in thinking. Any way I have a few comments I wanted to share and hope you find them helpful.

First

Hi Garry,

When I watched your evaluation copy, I was struck more at the end when the words cascaded across the screen at an angle, could you possibly do something similar at the start? Perhaps the words and their accompanying blurbs could be placed over the corresponding photo, then fade to the next set with the words moving down the screen as they go? Just a thought to still maintain the content, but move through it quicker?

Second

Hi Monica,

As I read through your answers to Jeannie’s questions a thought struck me – It feels like you’re coming down from a longer synopsis instead of up from the high concept log line of your story?? I think for higher impact you should pull from these two answers and pare down from here to the feelings surrounding them, does that make sense? Hope so.

There are a lot of strong words here to pull from ‘withholding’ ‘meaningless’ ’empty’ ‘family secret’ ‘tear apart’ etc…

I’m going to try and put my money where my mouth is and get something put together to share too – anyhow there you go my two cents. 🙂

Thanks
Kim

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Garry M. Graves February 14, 2010 - 10:05 am

Hi Jeannie, how’s it going?

As a suggestion from Kim B., I’ve done a second version of the trailer. This time I annotated with some music from YouTube (that was handy). Tell me what you think. Got it down to 1:01

Thanks for the workshop Jeannie, it’s great you’re doing this.

Regards, –gg

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Monica February 14, 2010 - 1:29 pm

Garry,

I just watched your updated video, and I think it’s getting there! The music I found to be uplifting and completely appropriate, and unlike Kim B., I didn’t have a problem with the stepping action of the 5 virtues in the last frame. I understood it as climbing toward a better place for humanity. Was that your thinking?

I’m certain Jeannie will have better feedback for you, but I think you’re definitely on the right track.

I am unfortunately on dial-up (only available where I live), and am unable to upload my video. If I get a chance to wi-fi connect this week, I’ll post the link for everyone’s critique as well.

Good job, and keep striving for perfection!
Monica

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Jeannie Ruesch February 15, 2010 - 1:17 am

Hi Gary,

It’s definitely getting better – the length is better. You moved the words to time with the images and that always keeps the pace of the video up.

I’m VERY pleased to see that you stuck to basic fade transitions — so much easy to read and as a whole, it makes it look more cohesive and professional.
You kept the same font throughout — also good.

A few critique points:

The words are hard to read in places, depending on where they cover over a busy part of an image. When you have a lot of text on one slide, it can be difficult to fit it all. It’s usually an indication (to me) that you could pare down this script even further to really hit the points.

With images that only take up a portion of the slide page, you’d be better off limiting the image to one side and the text to the other, so it’s at least easy to read.

I’ve actually taken your video and worked on a quick video for comparison sakes and to illustrate a few things in the next post (up today.) So take a look and we’ll continue from there. Great work!

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Jeannie Ruesch February 15, 2010 - 1:31 am

Hi Kim, glad you could join us! Great comments on Garry’s and Monica’s scripts. Hope to see your video soon! 🙂

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Jeannie Ruesch February 15, 2010 - 1:37 am

Hi Monica,

Finally had a chance to look over your comment. You have some terrific elements within your answers above (both for your video script and I think for your book summary, too!). As Kim pointed out, a lot of terrific words that you can focus around and pull around.

To help, I’ll comment on the specifics of your script (where you lose me) and then give you a suggestion to work from:

For centuries the Montgomery family has harbored a secret…
–> I like this line. But it could be punched up more, more intrigue — I love the word legend. Use that to grab attention.

—–
a sheltered girl

a determined boy

become inseparable

and make their own rules
——-
This is good — to the point and could be illustrated well with imagery. But I think you can do better — be more specific. “sheltered” and “determined” are pretty generic. More specific words paint a more vivid picture. But the simplicity of the lines is great.

————
“there is no secret to uncover”
Treaty
Enchanted
Legend
When the sun set, the men got out the cards, and Jack began to hear things.
That girl is about to transition.
“She’s gone!”
How can we break the pact?
————–

These lines above you lost me completely. This touches on story points that you’d need more explanation on, not really things you can show well in a short script.

Here’s just a quick idea for a script:

Centuries ago, a pact was made.
A girl’s death foretold.
And the legend began
Now, amidst a world of tradition, secrets and mystery,
Jack’s destiny is just beginning.
He must uncover the truth to save the woman he can’t live without.

I’m not sure it’s right for your story and could definitely be improved upon, but maybe it can give you somewhere to focus on. (And if you can finish a script for me before next week, I’ll use your video to build next week’s discussion on music. 🙂

Thanks! Jeannie

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Monica February 15, 2010 - 7:08 am

Hi Jeannie,

I appreciate your feedback, but I must say, I don’t know what to do with it. I have watched dozens of book videos, and the ones which catch my attention are the ones that don’t narrate the pictures. So I don’t feel I can write a “blurb” over the images. I’ll work at creating a more succinct script that you can better follow, but the sentence strategy isn’t for me.

Thanks,
Monica

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Monica February 15, 2010 - 7:11 am

Here’s more, and sorry for the ramble…

I think my log-jam occurs with the fact that the story is a coming-of-age. Yes, he burns for this woman. But he’s adopted and they’re raised as cousins. And there’s a mystery. And they don’t want him to uncover it. And the goal is that the pact must be broken. But how to span a lifetime and a load of backstory in 1-2 minutes?

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Monica February 15, 2010 - 7:23 am

Sorry about the above posts. I sometimes get muddled and jabber aloud. This usually occurs before I see the light! Is the following script more understandable?

Script:

For centuries the Montgomery family has harbored a secret…
A sheltered girl
Otherworldly(*these are tiny words over an image)
Exotic(*these are tiny words over an image)
An orphan boy
Become inseparable
And make their own rules.
To this determined boy, the mystery reveals itself
Treaty
Enchanted
Legend
Jack’s destiny unfolds
And he gets more than he’s bargained for
How can we break the pact?

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Ghislaine January 31, 2012 - 3:35 pm

Hi Jeannie, thank you so much for doing this! It’s great.And Everyone, Just cnahcitg up on this I’ve been in a revision workshop and I’m in the middle of web design for my author brand and thought this would be a bit of an excellent way to gain a different perspective – and I was right. I think it’s going to really help.I’ve been knee deep in how to convey a lot with a little both in revisions (cut, cut, cut) and the web site through short blurbs and imagery so there does seem to be a good cross over in thinking. Any way I have a few comments I wanted to share and hope you find them helpful.First Hi Garry,When I watched your evaluation copy, I was struck more at the end when the words cascaded across the screen at an angle, could you possibly do something similar at the start? Perhaps the words and their accompanying blurbs could be placed over the corresponding photo, then fade to the next set with the words moving down the screen as they go? Just a thought to still maintain the content, but move through it quicker?Second Hi Monica,As I read through your answers to Jeannie’s questions a thought struck me – It feels like you’re coming down from a longer synopsis instead of up from the high concept log line of your story?? I think for higher impact you should pull from these two answers and pare down from here to the feelings surrounding them, does that make sense? Hope so.There are a lot of strong words here to pull from ‘withholding’ ‘meaningless’ ‘empty’ ‘family secret’ ‘tear apart’ etc…I’m going to try and put my money where my mouth is and get something put together to share too – anyhow there you go my two cents. ThanksKim

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Monica February 15, 2010 - 12:13 pm

I posted my Moon child video on you tube. Here is the link. Feedback appreciated…

Monica

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