First Page Lightning: Adding Power with Rhetorical Devices by Special Guest Margie Lawson

by Jeannie Ruesch

Welcome to Special Guest Margie Lawson!

——–
Margie Lawson
—psychotherapist, writer, and international presenter—developed innovative editing systems and deep editing techniques for used by writers, from newbies to NYT Bestsellers. She teaches writers how to edit for psychological power, how to hook the reader viscerally, how to create a page-turner.

Thousands of writers have learned Margie’s psychologically-based deep editing material. In the last five years, she presented over fifty full day Master Classes for writers in the U.S., Canada, Australia, and New Zealand.

For more information on lecture packets, on-line courses, master classes, and the  3-day Immersion Master Class sessions offered in her Colorado mountain-top home, visit:  www.MargieLawson.com.

And at the end of this blog, be sure to check out Margie’s donations to Brenda Novak’s Online Auction for Diabetes Research  – that include:

  • A WRITE AT SEA CRUISE
  • A FLYING GETAWAY
  • AN IMMERSION MASTER CLASS

Fun!  Fun!  Fun!

PLUS — More fun!

Check out the cartoon Dare Devil Dachshund Contest on my web site. You could win one hour of my Deep Editing brain. www.MargieLawson.com

THANK YOU!

I appreciate JEANNIE RUESCH for inviting me to guest blog  today.  In addition to my THANK YOU—and a cyber hug—I am gifting a Lecture Packet to Jeannie.  :-))

 

First Page Lightning:

Adding Power with Rhetorical Devices

By Margie Lawson

You all know the three-second-rule.  Right?

When you meet someone new, that’s how long it takes to form an impression.  That all important first impression.  That hard to reverse first impression.  That colors-your-perception-forever first impression.

Three seconds.

Look.  Blink. Smile.

Your three seconds are up.

Writers have a similar challenge to make a positive first impression on agents, editors, and readers.  They have a first sentence challenge, a first paragraph challenge, a first page challenge . . .

The first few pages of most novels are the most rewritten.   Writers scrutinize those pages.  They revise, rethink, rework, rewrite, reject-and-start-over.

Having analyzed the first several chapters (and beyond) of over a thousand novels, I know what components add power to openings.  Many writers overlook one of those options–the power of rhetorical devices.

My research reveals that some New York Times bestsellers almost always use the more obscure rhetorical devices in their first few pages.  Harlan Coben almost always uses ANAPHORA in the first few pages of his books.  In some books, he uses anaphora in his opening paragraph and several more times in the first chapter.

Lisa Gardner and Stephen White often use anaphora and epistrophe in their opening chapters too.

In my Deep Editing course, I teach writers how to use THIRTY rhetorical devices.  I’ll introduce three of these devices in this blog.

We’ll dive into ANAPHORA first.

ANAPHORA – Using the same word or phrase to START three (or more) consecutive phrases or sentences.

From Harlan Coben’s NO SECOND CHANCE, opening paragraph:

 

I know that I lost a lot of blood.

I know that a second bullet skimmed the top of my head . . .

I know that my heart stopped.

Two more examples from the first chapter of NO SECOND CHANCE:

 

I remembered waking up that morning . . .

I remembered looking in on Tara.

I remembered turning the knob . . .

I longed for the numb.

I longed for the comatose state of the hospital.

I longed for that IV bag . . .

Here’s an example of using anaphora to start phrases.  It’s from Harlen Coben’s THE WOODS, Chapter 1, page 1.

 

I have never seen my father cry before—not when his own father died, not when my mother ran off and left us, not even when he first heard about my sister, Camille.

Look what Harlan Coben accomplished in that line.  He slipped in backstory.  But with anaphora, it’s fast and smooth and intriguing.

 

He used anaphora again on page 1 of Chapter One of THE WOODS:

I have learned over the years—in the most horrible ways imaginable—that the wall between life and death, between extraordinary beauty and mind-boggling ugliness, between the most innocent setting and a frightening bloodbath, is flimsy.

Harlan then ties in the theme a few sentences later at the end of that same paragraph:  . . . and you remember how flimsy that wall really is.

I’m pleased to share that Harlan did it again in his March, 2010 release, CAUGHT.  He  amplified anaphora at the end of his prologue.

Check out the last 196 words of the prologue.  The set up:  A mother realizes her teenage daughter didn’t come home the night before.

And that was when Marcia started to feel a small rock form in her chest.

There were no clothes in the hamper.

The rock in her chest grew when Marcia checked Haley’s toothbrush, then the sink and shower.

All bone-dry.

The rock grew when she called out to Ted, trying to keep the panic out of her voice. It grew when they drove to captain’s practice and found out that Haley had never showed. It grew when she called Haley’s friends while Ted sent out an e-mail blast—and no one knew where Haley was. It grew when they called the local police, who, despite Marcia’s and Ted’s protestations, believed that Haley was a runaway, a kid blowing off some steam. It grew when forty-eight hours later, the FBI was brought in. It grew when there was still no sign of Haley after a week.

It was as if the earth had swallowed her whole.

A month passed. Nothing.  Then two. Still no word. And then finally, during the third month, word came—and the rock that had grown in Marcia’s chest, the one that wouldn’t let her breathe and kept her up nights, stopped growing.

Quick Analysis:
Visceral Hit

Compressed Time

Anaphora – Two examples:>

A small rock, the rock, the rock

It grew – five times

Carried rock theme to the end of the prologue – the rock . . . stopped growing.

Powerful passage!

 

Now – moving on to other authors who use anaphora.

 

Here are two examples of ANAPHORA, from Allison Brennan, FEAR NO EVIL,

Chapter 1.  It’s two paragraphs.

Fourteen years ago she wanted the exact same thing as Lucy–to get out from under her parents thumb. But that was before she’d decided to become a cop. Before she realized how truly dangerous the city could be. Before she realized that justice wasn’t always swift, that the system didn’t always work.

That some murders would never be solved.

Stephen White used anaphora eight times in BLINDED.  The example below is from Page 1:

 

It may sound goofy, but I also believed that on good days I could smell the spark before I smelled the fire and I could taste the poison before it reached my lips.  On good days I could stand firm between tenderness and evil.  On good days I could make a difference.

 

OKAY!  What makes ANAPHORA powerful?


The rhythm . . .

The auditory echo . . .

The repetition of the message . . .

 

Anaphora speaks to the reader’s subconscious.

 

Using anaphora makes the read imperative.

 

Let’s look at another rhetorical device.  EPISTROPHE.  This one is even more obscure than anaphora.  I’ve found 20 times more examples of anaphora, than epistrophe.  Yet, it’s equally powerful.

 

And it’s as fun to write as anaphora.  I used epistrophe to draw you into this blog.  It’s in my second paragraph, and in my sixth paragraph.

 

EPISTROPHE – It’s the opposite of anaphora.  Using the same word or phrase to END three (or more) consecutive phrases or sentences.

 

When you meet someone new, that’s how long it takes to form an impression.  That all important first impression.  That hard to reverse first impression.  That colors-your-perception-forever first impression.

They have a first sentence challenge, a first paragraph challenge, a first page challenge . . .

Here are more examples of EPISTROPHE from bestselling authors:

 

From Michael Connelly, the opening lines from THE BRASS VERDICT:

 

Everybody lies.

Cops lie.  Lawyers lie.  Witnesses lie.  The victims lie.

A trial is a contest of lies.  And everybody in the courtroom knows this.  The judge knows this.  Even the jury knows this.  They come into the building knowing they will be lied to.  They take their seats in the box and agree to be lied to.

The trick if you are sitting at the defense table is to be patient.  To wait.  Not just for any lie.  But for the one you can grab on to and forge like hot iron into a sharpened blade.  You then use that blade to rip the case open and spill its guts on the floor.

That’s my job, to forge the blade.  To sharpen it.  To use it without mercy or conscience.  To be the truth in a place where everybody lies.

Here are the first four paragraphs of HIDE by Lisa Gardner.

 

My father explained it to me the first time when I was seven years old.  The world is a system.  School is a system.  Neighborhoods are a system.  Towns, governments, any large group of people.  For that matter, the human body is a system, enabled by smaller, biological subsystems.

Criminal justice, definitely a system.  The Catholic Church—don’t get him started.  Then there’s organized sports, the United Nations, and of course, the Miss America Pageant.

“You don’t have to like the system,” he lectured me. “You don’t have to believe in it or agree with it.  But you must understand it.  If you can understand the system, you will survive.”

The family is a system.

 

LISA GARDNER used the word SYSTEM eight times.  Plus—one use of SUBSYSTEM.

 

She nails the reader again and again and again with that regimented word, system.  And she brings it home with her last sentence:  a spotlighted, stand alone sentence.

The family is a system.

There’s a page break after that line—then the story kicks in with a vengeance.  ;-))

I’ll share one more rhetorical device – SYMPLOCE.

SYMPLOCE uses a combination of anaphora and epistrophe – in the same sentences.

The SYMPLOCE example below is from Christa Allan.  Christa attended my Early Bird master class for ACFW in 2007.  This is her prologue for her recently released first book, WALKING ON BROKEN GLASS.

 

PROLOGUE, by Christa Allan:

If I had known children break on the inside and the cracks don’t surface until years later, I would have been more careful with my words.

If I had known some parents don’t live to watch grandchildren grow, I would have taken more pictures and been more careful with my words.

If I had known couples can be fragile and want what they are unprepared to give or unwilling to take, I would have been more careful with my words.

If I had known teaching lasts a lifetime, and students don’t speak of their tragic lives, I would have been more careful with my words.

If I had known my muscles and organs and bones and skin are not lifetime guarantees that when broken, snagged, unstitched or unseemly, can not be returned for replacement, I would have been kinder to the shell that prevents my soul from leaking out.

If I had known I would live over half my life and have to look at photographs to remember my mother adjusting my birthday party hat so that my father could take the picture that sliced the moment out of time- if I had known, if I had known- I would have been more careful with my life.

KUDOS TO CHRISTA ALLAN!

 

With anaphora, epistrophe, and symploce—once you’ve established the repetition three consecutive times, you can play with it.  You don’t have to stop at three.  You can have a sentence or two following the last repetition, that don’t carry the repetition.  The last sentence could pick up the repetition and end with a rhetorical punch.

REMEMBER:  Anaphora, epistrophe, and symploce are three of the THIRTY rhetorical devices I cover in the Deep Editing course I offer on-line in May.

 

Deep Editing has three power-loaded tracks:  Rhetorical Devices, the EDITS System (deeper than in ECE), and more deep editing goodies like my Five Question Scene Check List.

This blog focused on using rhetorical devices to add power to first pages.  They can be used to add power anywhere.  Anywhere writers need lightning.

Where do writers need lightning?

Writers could use this stylistic power to add the power of lightning at the opening of any scene, at turning points, before a page break, at the end of a chapter.

Adding power to your pages is more than what you write.  It’s also how you present the content—structure and strategy.

I could keep sharing Teaching Points and examples until I filled 300 pages.  Probably too long for a blog, but just right for my Deep Editing course.  It’s 320+ pages of lectures.

NOW IT’S YOUR TURN!

 

If you have an example of an obscure rhetorical device in your work, please post it.

 

If you’d like to write an example of an obscure rhetorical device, one you may decide to use in your WIP, please post it!

 

Post a comment – and YOU COULD WIN A LECTURE PACKET!

 

I’ll respond to blog comments throughout the day as my job allows and be back on again late tonight.

 

The winner may choose a Lecture Packet from one of my six on-line courses.

 

1. Empowering Characters’ Emotions

2. Deep Editing:  The EDITS System, Rhetorical Devices, and More

3. Writing Body Language and Dialogue Cues Like a Psychologist

4. Powering Up Body Language in Real Life:

Projecting a Professional Persona When Pitching and Presenting

5. Digging Deep into the EDITS System

6. Defeat Self-Defeating Behaviors

I’ll draw the name of the WINNER at 10:00 MountainTime. I’ll post their name on the blog about 10:30 Mountain Time.

 

FYI: My next on-line course, DEEP EDITING: The EDITS System, Rhetorical Devices, and More, is offered in MAY. You can read descriptions of my courses (and Lecture Packets) and access links to register for my on-line courses from the home page of my web site. www.MargieLawson.com

 

If an on-line course does not fit your schedule, Lecture Packets ($22) are available through Paypal from my web site.

 

PLEASE KEEP READING!

BRENDA NOVAK’S DIABETES AUCTION!

Brenda Novak’s DIABETES AUCTION is a warm-your-heart win-win for writers. Bid on one of the hundreds of items, support diabetes research, and you may win an experience that changes your life.

My husband and I love to support the Diabetes Auction. With over 1000 donations, if I don’t mention our donations . . . you might miss them.

Yikes – a Missed Opportunity!

Margie’s Donations:

1. A set of six Lecture Packets

2. A 50 page Triple Pass Deep Edit Critique

3. Registration for a Write At Sea Master Class by Marge Lawson on Deep Editing Power, April, 2011. Donation by Margie Lawson and Julia Hunter.

4. A FLYING GETAWAY FOR TWO

You select the destination – any place within 600 nautical miles from Denver.

A weekend, you and a friend, plus my pilot-husband flying our four-seater plane, me, a night in a hotel, and a two-hour deep editing consult. The consult is on the ground, not while we’re flying. ;-))

5. Registration for an IMMERSION MASTER CLASS session!

A $450 value . . .

The three-day Immersion Master Class sessions are designed as a personalized, hone-your-manuscript experience focusing on deep editing. The sessions are held in Margie’s log home at the top of a mountain west of Denver. Participants will concentrate on transforming their manuscript into a page-turner.
THE DIABETES AUCTION runs from MAY 1ST to MAY 31ST. You can tour the
Diabetes Auction site now. http://brendanovak.auctionanything.com/

Brenda Novak is my hero. What a way to give back.

 

Thank you for joining us today. I appreciate your time.

 

All the Best…………….Margie

www.MargieLawson.com

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28 comments

Joy April 8, 2010 - 10:32 am

Hi Margie,

I was just a lurker in you ECE course last month. I loved it.

Here’s an example of anaphora found in my chapter one:

When he’d come full circle, he paused, hands on his hips and head down, to consider his options. No money. No cell phone. No bed. And- he lifted his gaze toward the main house- no other choice.

Reply
Lavada Dee April 8, 2010 - 11:58 am

Wow what a powerful blog. And, I of course went back to search for the paragraphs where you used epistrophe to draw us into this blog. And, I love Harlan Coben. I’m ready for a workshop. I’ve been passing on them because I need to spend more time writing but I didn’t want this blog to end so that’s an indication it’s time to if not fully participate, at least lurk.

Thank Margie

Reply
Mary April 8, 2010 - 12:02 pm

I agree, this is an incredible blog. I’ve been postponing signing up for one of your workshops til I was in a better writing place, but after reading this blog, I can’t wait to sign up.

I had been struggling with my opening after changing a major plot point but after reading this today, I think I have it (or a rough draft of it anyway). Thanks SO much!

Mary

Reply
Janel April 8, 2010 - 12:04 pm

I loved this post. It’s amazing how much things like this can affect the reader and they may not even notice it. Here are the first sentences to three consecutive paragraphs in one of my stories:

She couldn’t afford to buy enough food.

She couldn’t find a job.

She couldn’t spare enough money to care for his dog.

Reply
Silver James April 8, 2010 - 12:38 pm

Welcome to Happy Endings, Margie! I always bid on your “goodies” at Brenda’s auction. Sadly, I’m always outbid. Maybe I’ll get lucky this year!

The following two bits don’t quite fit any of your examples but after skimming through my work, these were the closest examples I had. Both were written as writing exercises based on photographic prompts though I’ll likely revisit them in future WIPs.

Bound. Blindfolded. Bereft of even her name. Beyond exhaustion. Beyond feeling. Warrior stock though she was, she had failed. That precious spark within her would die as she died, for death was preferable to the fate of any taken by the Dark.

Write paranormal? Me? Yes. How did you guess? 😉

Purgatory. Neither heaven nor hell. Between Birth and Death lies Life. Between Heaven and Hell existed this place of light and dark, of inconsequential shadows and dubious substance. What was a dream? What was waking memory? She could no longer remember. She awoke to the copper tang of fresh blood, the taste dancing in tandem with the cloying scent of rose petals. Her eyes gazed upon perpetual shades of salmon and pearl–the colors of the sky in that instant between night and day, day and night, when life balanced on a blade as sharp as the one in her hand. Such had been her existence since arriving there a lifetime ago.

Thank you so much for the post today, Margie. As a reader, I love the power a writer gives words when they incorporate rhetorical devices. As a writer, I need to be more aware of using those devices to strengthen my own writing.

Reply
Debra St. John April 8, 2010 - 12:40 pm

GREAT post!

I’m at work, too, so I don’t have my WIP or a copy of either of my books in front of me to site an example. And of course I can’t think of one off the top of my head. Darn.

But, I’m planning on printing this out to save for reference!

Thanks, ladies!

Reply
Jeannie Ruesch April 8, 2010 - 1:31 pm

Margie, thank you SO much for being here! I’m thrilled to have you at our blog and I LOVE this topic. (I loved your course and hope to attend an online one soon. It’s so worth it.)

****
So I took something from the first page of my WIP and applied anaphora:

Her mommy’s love was all wrapped up in her hands. Hands that gently touched her cheeks. Hands that brushed her hair. Hands that tickled. Hugged. Provided the warmth that made everything better.

And now because of him, her hands were cold.
****

It definitely made the section stronger from what it was. THANK YOU! As always, I learn more and more from you.

Reply
Mary April 8, 2010 - 6:02 pm

Margie, I’m back again. 🙂

I’m on vacation this week so I’ve been spending a lot of time on craft – reading blogs, revising a mss. etc. I loved your examples above – but on another blog today, an author was critiquing an opening page and commented that the author should not have used past tense. That the story needs to jump out at you in the present. Harlan Coben certainly used past tense in the example you posted
Two more examples from the first chapter of NO SECOND CHANCE:

I remembered waking up that morning . . .

I remembered looking in on Tara.

I remembered turning the knob . . .

I longed for the numb.

I longed for the comatose state of the hospital.

I longed for that IV bag . . .

and several of the other authors did as well. To my mind, that didn’t take away any of the power of the opening.

Obviously no one can argue with Coben’s success, so I was wondering what your thoughts are about starting off with something in the past tense. My question isn’t just for sake of argument but because in my new opening I also used past tense in that way.

Thanks again and thanks SO much to Happy Endings for having you here today.

Mary

Reply
rose mccauley April 8, 2010 - 7:36 pm

Dear Margie, Great post! Great review for those of us who have sat at your well-shod heels before. Great impetus for tackling that WIP again with Margie-vision eyes!

Here’s something I added to my WIP after your class last year: “I can’t live in a hick town that never grew up. No mall. No friends. No Starbucks. I won’t survive.”

Loved your new first-page change, Jeannie. Thanks to you and Margie for helping us all continue to grow in our writing.

Reply
Karen Tintori April 8, 2010 - 8:21 pm

Hi Margie,

Still trying to catch up with the lectures from your Empowering Your Characters Emotions class, and am “all smiles” to discover I am a huge employer of anaphora in my writing. Woo hoo! 🙂 🙂 🙂

Since my next book is still in the planning stages, I offer an example (multi-faceted) from the second page of my “Unto the Daughters: The Legacy of an Honor Killing in a Sicilian-American Family:”

“I am the eldest daughter of the eldest daughter of the eldest daughter in a chain of daughters only two generations removed from the soil of Sicily.

When I was thirteen, my parents hammered home that I was going to college, I wasn’t getting married until I completed my education and I wasn’t moving out of the house until I was married.

When my mother was fourteen, her mother took sick to her bed for a year and her parents made her drop out of school to wash, iron, cook, clean and tend to their family of seven — including a newborn.

When my grandmother was fifteen, and engaged to my grandfather, her father beat her purple and locked her in her room because she had handed her fiancé his hat.

When Francesca, her younger sister, was sixteen, the unspeakable happened.”

Hope you liked my example(s). Can’t wait to “see you” in your next class in May!

Karen Tintori

Reply
Jagi Wright April 9, 2010 - 4:14 am

I could not get the link on the article to work…finally got here from the comments link.

Thanks so!

Reply
Louise April 9, 2010 - 5:53 am

Hi Margie,
Thanks for a great blog. You are so generous with your teaching. Like Karen I’m still trying to catch up with lectures from Empowering Characters Emotions and still loving it too.

I think I have an example of epistrophe in my WIP but not certain because the first ‘facts’ is a word by itself. Anyway, here goes.

Setup: the strict voice is that negative voice in her head that nags and nags. The internal editor.

‘Whoa, don’t get ahead of yourself,’ her strict voice boomed and her heart began to thud. ‘Facts. Deal with the facts. Not fantasies, facts.’

Reply
Margie Lawson April 9, 2010 - 6:11 pm

Hello Everyone —

Just got home from work. Great to see you here!

I’ll respond to posts now.

See you soon!

Reply
Margie Lawson April 9, 2010 - 6:30 pm

HELLO JOY —

Always great to meet my lurkers. Thanks for posting.

LOVED your AMPLIFIED ANAPHORA. Excellent!

When he’d come full circle, he paused, hands on his hips and head down, to consider his options. No money. No cell phone. No bed. And- he lifted his gaze toward the main house- no other choice.

CADENCE, BACKLOADING, POWER.

YOU LURKED AND LEARNED IN MY ECE COURSE. :-))

THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR TALENT!

Reply
Margie Lawson April 9, 2010 - 6:35 pm

HELLO LAVADA DEE —

Ah! You paid attention to how I added rhetorical power to my blog. Good for you.

So fun that you didn’t want the blog to end. I teach Deep Editing in May. Hope to see you soon!

Reply
Margie Lawson April 9, 2010 - 6:47 pm

Mary —

Sounds like I might get to see you in an on-line class too. 🙂

So glad you figured out how to add power to your opening. Excellent!

Have fun playing with it — until it makes you smile.

Reply
Margie Lawson April 9, 2010 - 7:07 pm

HELLO JANEL —

EXCELLENT OBSERVATION.

JANEL WROTE:

It’s amazing how much things like this can affect the reader and they may not even notice it.

YOU ARE SO RIGHT! Cliche alert. 🙂

IF THE WRITING IS SMOOTH, THE READER DOESN’T STOP AND COGNITIVELY PROCESS THE FRESH WRITING, RHETORICAL DEVICES, BACKLOADING or whatever.

THEY KEEP READING AND WANT MORE, MORE, MORE.

AH – THE JOY OF WRITING A PAGE TURNER.

JANEL WROTE;
Here are the first sentences to three consecutive paragraphs in one of my stories:

She couldn’t afford to buy enough food.

She couldn’t find a job.

She couldn’t spare enough money to care for his dog.

THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR WRITING. I’M HOOKED!

Reply
Margie Lawson April 9, 2010 - 7:38 pm

HELLO SILVER —

THANKS FOR BIDDING ON MY AUCTION GOODIES. HOPE YOU ARE LUCKY THIS YEAR.

THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR EXAMPLES. I LIKE THE WAY YOU ADDED POWER WITH ALLITERATION IN THIS ONE:

Bound. Blindfolded. Bereft of even her name. Beyond exhaustion. Beyond feeling. Warrior stock though she was, she had failed. That precious spark within her would die as she died, for death was preferable to the fate of any taken by the Dark.

Write paranormal? Me? Yes. How did you guess? 😉

Purgatory. Neither heaven nor hell. Between Birth and Death lies Life. Between Heaven and Hell existed this place of light and dark, of inconsequential shadows and dubious substance. What was a dream? What was waking memory? She could no longer remember. She awoke to the copper tang of fresh blood, the taste dancing in tandem with the cloying scent of rose petals. Her eyes gazed upon perpetual shades of salmon and pearl–the colors of the sky in that instant between night and day, day and night, when life balanced on a blade as sharp as the one in her hand. Such had been her existence since arriving there a lifetime ago.

SILVER — BEAUTIFUL.

Thank you so much for the post today, Margie. As a reader, I love the power a writer gives words when they incorporate rhetorical devices. As a writer, I need to be more aware of using those devices to strengthen my own writing.

YOUR COMMENTS ABOVE WERE BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN TOO. 😉

Reply
Mary April 9, 2010 - 7:48 pm

Margie, you said

“Mary –

Sounds like I might get to see you in an on-line class too. 🙂 ”

Indeed you will! I’m already registered for the one in May. Can’t wait!
Is there anything you recommend doing in preparation?

Thanks again,

mary

Reply
Margie Lawson April 9, 2010 - 7:48 pm

DEBRA —

GLAD YOU LIKED THIS POST. Please keep in mind it’s a sliver of what I teach. 😉

GREAT post!

I’m at work, too, so I don’t have my WIP or a copy of either of my books in front of me to site an example. And of course I can’t think of one off the top of my head. Darn.

But, I’m planning on printing this out to save for reference!

Thanks, ladies!

Reply
Margie Lawson April 9, 2010 - 8:08 pm

HELLO JEANNIE!

THANKS AGAIN FOR INVITING ME TO BE YOUR GUEST.

WOW! POWERFUL WRITING! I LOVE YOUR PASSAGE — AND I LOVE THAT YOU HAVE ALL THAT POWER ON YOUR FIRST PAGE!

JEANNIE WROTE:

—I took something from the first page of my WIP and applied anaphora:

Her mommy’s love was all wrapped up in her hands. Hands that gently touched her cheeks. Hands that brushed her hair. Hands that tickled. Hugged. Provided the warmth that made everything better.

And now because of him, her hands were cold.

****

WOOHOO! THAT’S GOOD!

It definitely made the section stronger from what it was. THANK YOU! As always, I learn more and more from you.

JEANNIE – – THANK YOU.

I’M SO GLAD YOU WON MY DARE DEVIL DACHSHUND CONTEST FOR FEBRUARY. I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO DEEP EDITING YOUR 15 PAGES.

ALL SMILES!

Reply
Margie Lawson April 9, 2010 - 8:14 pm

MARY —

INTERESTING QUESTION.

MARY WROTE:
Obviously no one can argue with Coben’s success, so I was wondering what your thoughts are about starting off with something in the past tense. My question isn’t just for sake of argument but because in my new opening I also used past tense in that way.

IT CAN WORK.

AND — KEEP IN MIND THAT HARLAN COBEN LIVES ON THE NYT BESTSELLER LIST. :-))

Reply
Margie Lawson April 9, 2010 - 8:25 pm

ROSE —

LOOK AT THE FRESH WRITING IN THE FIRST PARAGRAPH OF YOUR POST. 😉

ROSE WROTE:

Great review for those of us who have sat at your well-shod heels before. Great impetus for tackling that WIP again with Margie-vision eyes!

I LIKE YOUR EXAMPLE TOO.

Here’s something I added to my WIP after your class last year: “I can’t live in a hick town that never grew up. No mall. No friends. No Starbucks. I won’t survive.”

THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR WORK!

Reply
Margie Lawson April 9, 2010 - 8:39 pm

HELLO KAREN —

SO FUN TO SEE YOU AGAIN — AND TO KNOW YOU’LL BE IN DEEP EDITING TOO.

INTRIGUING PASSAGE. MAKES ME WANT TO KNOW WHAT’S UNSPEAKABLE. 😉

SEE YOU IN MAY!

“I am the eldest daughter of the eldest daughter of the eldest daughter in a chain of daughters only two generations removed from the soil of Sicily.

When I was thirteen, my parents hammered home that I was going to college, I wasn’t getting married until I completed my education and I wasn’t moving out of the house until I was married.

When my mother was fourteen, her mother took sick to her bed for a year and her parents made her drop out of school to wash, iron, cook, clean and tend to their family of seven — including a newborn.

When my grandmother was fifteen, and engaged to my grandfather, her father beat her purple and locked her in her room because she had handed her fiancé his hat.

When Francesca, her younger sister, was sixteen, the unspeakable happened.”

Reply
Margie Lawson April 9, 2010 - 8:40 pm

JAGI —

GLAD YOU GOT THE LINK TO WORK.

THANKS FOR DROPPING BY!

Reply
Margie Lawson April 9, 2010 - 8:51 pm

LOUISE —

I LIKE YOUR EXAMPLE. IT’S GOOD WRITING. WE COULD CONSIDER IT CLOSE TO EPISTROPHE.

IT CARRIES POWER WITH STRUCTURE AND CADENCE. WELL DONE!

THANKS FOR POSTING. 😉

I think I have an example of epistrophe in my WIP but not certain because the first ‘facts’ is a word by itself. Anyway, here goes.

Setup: the strict voice is that negative voice in her head that nags and nags. The internal editor.

‘Whoa, don’t get ahead of yourself,’ her strict voice boomed and her heart began to thud. ‘Facts. Deal with the facts. Not fantasies, facts.’

Reply
Cate Masters April 10, 2010 - 9:13 am

Loved your post, Margie! I’ll be looking into your classes.
Is there a rule for epistrophe – how much repetition is too much?
Best,
Cate

Reply
Robin Tosky Monzingo October 1, 2010 - 12:26 pm

I’m not sure if this qualifies, but the main character of my story, Stephanie, loves bags. This is what she says on one breath (well maybe 2):

Hand bags, evening bags, beaded bags, shoulder bags, tote bags, cosmetic bags, shopping bags, garment bags, garbage bags, gardening bags, carpetbags.

Bags with adjustable handles, short handles, long handles, wooden handles, jeweled handles, bamboo handles, straps and more.
Bags woven on tropical islands from beach grass, sweet grass, banana leaves, ti leaves, palm fronds and straw reeds.
Bags that are hand made, man made, made of mixed woven fiber,
Bags made of tapestry, leather, cloth, vinyl or canvas.
Bags with zippers, compartments and snaps by the score,
Bags with stripes and straps and linings galore.

But I also love… briefcases, key cases, coin purses, backpacks, fanny packs, coolers, wallets and clutches.
Some are knit, some crocheted, some are macramé too.
Juicy or Guess or Jimmy Choo,
Coach is a must and Lucky too!
Vuitton, Prada, Fendi or Christian Dior,
If you want it authentic, a knock-off no more,
And your shopping at Bloomie’s, or Bergdorf’s or Saks,
Penny’s, or Macy’s or just TJ Maxx.
From Canal Street to Paris to London and Rome,
From Asia to Zappo’s, wherever you roam……

Close them,
With a click, zipper, button,
Flap, magnet, clasp,
Drawstrings or Velcro will always last.
Bags, Bags, Bags,
I love Bags!

Stephanie loves bags and she does have a streak of OCD.

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